My Heart's Secrets ;)

Today was one of the most stressful days of my entire life. I had 3 tests and a quiz today. & I have a quiz and a test tomorrow too. What are these teachers thinking? Biology test wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be, so that's good. Geometry test was multiple choice; it kinda reminded me of my Trig. teacher's tests. Church History is what killed me. I had no idea we could use notecards (cus I wasn't here yesterday; I was helping those less fortunate @ St. Anthony's, jeez). & I missed the game where I coulda earned extra points! :( So I'm disappointed at that. Spanish is just a breeze. I don't really have to study for that class, but I guess I do anyways. That didn't really make sense. During church history, I saw "his" picture & after that, I couldn't stop thinking about "him" all day. Gaah. Why is he still running through my mind? This shouldn't be happening. Nobody can understand what went on & what I go through. If only I could muster up the courage to tell him how I feel...oh but then I would look stupid. Dad told me today that people are shy cus they're prideful. That didn't really make sense to me at first til he explained that people who are shy are afraid of rejection, cus it'll hurt their pride. I never thought if it that way....& I really don't. Cus most of the time, unless circumstances won't allow me, I'm usually a shy person. *Dum dum dum* But like I said, I can be outgoing-ish when i want to. Ugh. I'm so upset with myself cus I think I scared him off or something. It's so weird cus I know it would never work out between us two, but somewhere else in my mind I believe it could possibly happen. Everyone around me is telling me to drop you cus you bein a jerk, but i just can't. Look at that. We're not even together & I'm already stressin'. Maybe in reality, we really just can't work out....:(

I had a dream one night that you had died...& I couldn't stop crying. I really don't know what I'd do if I knew you were gone. I wouldn't have much to live for. You always made me look forward to going to school last yeear. I shoulda taken advantage of the time that you were actually here. I just wasted my time with another guy that really wasn't worth my time. I wish I could just go back in time and change that all. That guy wasn't worth anything. He was just a rebound from the other guy that I really fell for: well, yennow, after you of course. :) But I got over him & the rebound. I just can't get over you. After 5 freakin' years. I just can't. No matter how full of yourself you can get, or how you lamely tease me, I still love you. I can't get you out of my mind. Being one year older, I'm tryna be another year more mature about who I choose to give my heart to. Really, truly, not tryna be cheesy, but I wanna give my heart to you. It's a matter of if you want to accept it. Been standing there: waiting in rain or shine, snow or sleet, I've been waiting. For 5 years. That takes some real energy & dedication. & I'm putting it all in cus for some reason, I have this strange hope that you might finally answer the door and accept me. Not cus I'm athletic. or smart. or pretty. Just being plain ol' klutzy, weirdo me. Well,right now, I don't like anyone at school, mostly focusing on schoolwork & grades and college and stuff. But no one else matches up to you. Serious. No joke. It's like my heart is waiting for you to come back or somethin. But of course you won't. You're at a prestigious college miles away. I really wish I told you. But now is just the wrong time. We barely even talk as much as we used to anymore, and I can't get the courage to call you: even though your number's right there on my phone. When I first saw you 5 years ago, right when I stepped through that door, my eyes instantly focused towards you. It was hella strange, I know. I was so heartbroken when I was kinda forced by my mom to leave, cus I thought I would never see you again. But fate has its ways. It gave me an opportunity, but I didn't take advantage of it. It was nice talking every single day in Maui by text, but it was funny cus we were like, ILL TALK TO YOU AFTER I GET BACK! but we ended up talking everyday of my trip. Haha :) Good times. Good times never last tho. After that, you kinda disappointed by cancelling on me, but I got over it. I dont know what happened, if someone told you something or what not, but then you stopped talking & responding to me. I just don't know. Did I scare you off or something? I really just wanna be friends now. This crush thing is kinda over. This happens EVERYTIME with any guy I've had feelings for. i'm too nice to break it off, so I let you guys ignore me and leave me heartbroken. Yup. that's the story of my life. Well, you're never ever gonna read this, so I'm just gonna stop here, kay? Love you lots <3 Always have; always will xoxoxo ~written @ the spur of the moment by ME =)