Today, while I was taking a break after playing tennis, I sat in the grass and began to daze off. I had a daydream of him & I, laying on the grass, talking about things that didn't really matter, but talked about because we were bored. Then we started to camerawhore. Haha. Holding his hand, feeling his arms around mine, my head on his chest, looking up at the sky. I feel so secure, although it was just a dream. I want to tell him so badly how I truly feel, but I'm afraid that I'll scare him away, and our friendship would be ruined. I don't want to lose such a close friend, but at the same time, I want us to be more than friends. Everytime I think about him, I get butterflies, and those butterflies sure do hurt the tummy. But I ignore that annoying twinge of the fluttering of the butterflies, because I am so hypnotized by his perfection; his acceptance of my imperfect self. I love how he can tell me anything, and that he trusts me so much. One of my fears is that other girls would be jealous if we ever went out or something. No matter how many times these silly quotes say that we shouldn't care what others think, it still does not suffice for the pain and suffering we would go through by our closest friends; the people we love and care for so dearly. I would be too afraid & too weak to be able to let him go, and I would suffer even more if he let me go, and that is another reason why I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. It's a lose-lose situation. That is the reason why I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any boy, in the sense that my heart wouldn't be able to endure the pain.
That takes me back almost about a year ago, when I fell for somebody, very hard. It started out beautifully, perfectly, practically flawless. I believed he was the one for me. He boosted my self-confidence, he psychologically helped me during the numerous volleyball & basketball games during the seasons; he was my inspiration to do well (in athletics). I would suffer the wrath of my parents' anger just so I could go watch his basketball games, and I believed it was truly worth it, since I believed he was the one. Another incident about another boy who asked me out, and (not purposely) had youtube videos posted saying "i love you." he even gave me a valentines card in front of our whole grade. i began to cry, for a reason I am, even at this point in time, am not sure of. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to this much attention. This came as a shock to me, for I never thought he liked me. I just thought of us as friends. When he asked me out, I told him no. He asked me again, and I refused. Now I regret being so cold to him, and I ask him now if he'll forgive me, cuz I was foolish & immmature, and I didn't know I was playing & breaking somebody else's heart. I know how you feel now, being heartbroken, because getting back to the first boy, as I've stated, everything was perfect. We talked about absolutely everything. He was always busy with his basketball league tournaments that we only got to exchange messages on Myspace, have AIM convos at 3 or 4 in the morning, or just talk at school. So many memories (mostly the ones we got in trouble) were carved into my head and my heart, and it still resides in them today. It broke off after the summer, and I was literally stunned. I didn't feel like doing things anymore. I became depressed. Lethargic. Apathetic. I cried myself to sleep every night, listening to songs that would remind me of him and make me cry harder. I wonder if the second boy went through this torture that is covered by the name 'heartbreak.' I was also pretty foolish about this first boy, because for the decision of where I went to high school, (I had to choose between two perfectly good schools; I only applied to two, and got into both), I chose the school that he was going too, because I wasn't aware at the time that we wouldn't be talking to each other ever again. I believed that our friendship would flourish if we went to the same school, but apparently I was completely wrong. During our 1st graduation party, we hugged, but I didn't really take note of it because I knew we weren't saying goodbye yet. My friends kept trying to get me to dance with him, by pushing me towards him, but I kept refusing. I survived the night. At graduation, with all the flurry and yelling&screaming, and photo-taking, I didn't take note of this either. We took a picture together, and it was kinda embarassing cuz his mom came up and took a picture of us too -.- I took pics w/ everybody in our graduating class except 2 or 3 people. Sorry you 2 or 3 people. :( After graduation, we went bowling. I was so entertained that everyone that was wearing white was glowing cuz it was so dark. Must have been the lighting or something...Haha. Anyways, after the party, we hugged, and he said, 'See you at (the high school we go to now)!' I thought he meant that we would be friends and hanging out together. But of course, I was unaware again, that this would be the last time we would be talking as best friends. Currently, I am still depressed & quiet and not as outgoing as I used to be. We still go to the same school, our lockers are quite close to each other, but we never talk. We hang out w/ different groups of people now. He has a new girlfriend, and I've moved on with other guys. I'm pretty much over it, but there's something still deep in my heart, that just can't let him go, and I'm still stressing about it. I don't like really telling this story alot, cuz it makes me sad. I usually let out all this negative energy flow out through my ardent passion for art, listening to my 'post-love/heartbroken' music, && writing poems. The best poems that I write are inspired by him. All the other ones I write are empty & have no meaning. As I have learned, when you pour your heart out on something, it usually touches peoples' hearts. But I have also learned that if you pour out too much of your heart for somebody, you'll have nothing left to give to your future relationships. Now I feel I can never love to the extent as I did with him; he took 95% of my love, and now I can only give 5% to my future loves. Sorry future loves; blame him. I gave him control over my heart. And now everyone will have to pay for it.
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